Wednesday, May 28, 2008


please excuse my lack of capitalization and misuse of any punctuation... i just need to write.

it's weird to think about moving. i'm doing it in four days and i'm not at all ready. i'm not moving away to maryland like one of my best friends (who will be leaving on a jet plane three days after my move). no, i'm just going to the other side of the lake -- a little further from church, slightly further from family, a smidge further from school. no big deal. and yet, this move has enabled so many different thoughts and feelings to surface that i had suppressed, most of them unknowingly. it's one of those things that just kinda floats around in the back of your mind, fuzzy and grey, not really making much of an appearance. and then one day... BOOM. there it is. that pesky thought -- or string of thoughts -- that just wont go away. that's been my life for about a week now.

it started a couple of months ago with the start of the move. my soon-to-be-roommate asked if i wanted to move in with her to save money and i agreed instantly. we didn't know each other very well but what i knew about her i liked. i could tell it would be a good situation for us both. we come from different backgrounds, have different goals and daily lives. but we click. and that was enough for me. i trust her. she trusts me. its all gravy.

i feel as though i might already be digressing...

i try not to be jealous of people. i try to love my life entirely as it is because i grow in my struggles, my shortcomings, my complete failures. but sometimes, like right now, i do get jealous. i'm jealous of my buddy moving to maryland. yeah, its scary, but its exciting too. she gets to start all over again. gets to. she gets to meet new people, make new friends, establish new bonds. she gets to explore a new city she'll be calling home for at least a year, maybe longer. she's going to be doing something she loves professionally (she got a job in the choir for the national basilica.. yep, jealous of that too) and growing by leaps and bounds completely on her own.

me... oh i'm moving across the lake. with my neighbor.


i sometimes feel confined to not only this city (don't get me wrong.. i love the city) but to this life. i feel trapped in a body, a personality, a name that isn't me. i literally feel like breaking out of a mold and flying away to some far away place. im not trying to be melodramatic -- though i sometimes even feel i might be -- but rather just expressing exactly the way ive felt all weekend. ive fantasized about moving away to chicago or denver or boston. (okay, maybe not boston.) ive dreamt about making a new home for myself in a cozy little room in some big city and working my tail off to provide for myself. ive seen myself meeting new people, visiting art museums, and mapping out the city.

yesterday (monday, which i guess was technically two days ago now) i drove out to ft worth to attend a Mass of Thanksgiving being celebrated by a newly ordained priest of the CFRs. afterward i was going out with my friend who is moving. as i merged onto 366 from 75 i thought mostly about how late i was running and how full the church would be. but as i rounded the corner from 366 onto 35 toward 30, i looked up at my beautiful city and felt uneasy. it was familiar. too familiar.

i thought right at that moment that i wanted out of dallas. never have i ever said i wanted out of dallas. in fact, even when i talk about moving to another city i always follow it up with how i could never leave dallas forever. but right then, and in every moment since then, ive felt like i could just leave dallas. and maybe not come back. but maybe. who knows. right now i just want out.

ever pensive, i reflected on all of these newly surfaced feelings and tried to associate them with some kind of concrete reason for this discontentment. and this is what i've got:

i've lived in dallas all my life. i've visited two countries and 15 states. my longest trip was to wyd in canada in 2002. ive not been out of the city for more than three days (in a row) since that time. i've met a lot of people and established a lot of relationships. i love a lot of people here. unfortunately, ive made a lot of mistakes - some big, some small. ive soured a lot of good friendships and made a lot of less-than-stellar impressions.

i feel like every day im fighting to hang onto what good thoughts people might hold about me and rid my life of the bad ones. i feel like every day is another day to get better not for myself but for the people ive lost. every day is a day i remember - in a face, a place, or a word - all of the things i wish i could take back but cant. when i drive down certain streets, my heartbeat hastens. when certain songs pulse through my car, i can feel my heart in my gut and instantly think of a face, a place, a word. and it's never more than five miles away.

writing this makes me think that perhaps i sound like i'm trying to run from all of these things. and maybe i am. but my feeling towards all of it is this: being here in this place, at this time in my life, makes me feel uncomfortable. i feel uneasy in my own skin. i feel confined to this person people have perceived me to be. i feel trapped in this life i have created for myself, even unconsciously.

and maybe that's the real issue: i'm finally conscious. i'm finally aware of the state of my soul, of my body, of my place in the world. and i'm not happy with what has been done until now. yet, even armed with this awareness, this knowledge, this conviction, i feel powerless to change everything.

i want to go and experience new people, new places, new things. i want to get to know myself. i want to go out someplace and learn to love myself for what i am and can be. i want to truly understand my shortcomings and start on the long road to overcoming them. i want to discover what i really have to bring to the table.

can i do this all at home? sure. but its damn hard.

over the weekend a friend -- a friend unaware of my thoughts about this -- remarked that i was truly living the "college life". yeah it had everything to do with the magazines strewn across the living room floor, the laundry on every desk, table, and chair and the extra strength febreeze that im convinced will cure any odor issue ever... oh yeah, and the chips, salsa and pop-tarts we picked up for breakfast... but it made me feel better (and worse) about my situation.

im often jealous of my friends away at school. i know im the reason im still in dallas but i envy them anyway. i envy not their partying, their hangovers, their frizz. i envy their challenging classes, relationship-building, and self-exploration. when they come home, theyre different. and its with these people that i feel the most anxiety and peace. yes, anxiety AND peace. im anxious because i feel like im sitting with a more grown up version of the person i used to know. i feel at peace because it always feels right to be with them and because i can really be myself -- just as i am now -- with them. theyre growing and changing so much that my growing and changing is normal. its expected that we'll all be different. it's commonplace to be searching and unsure and yet confident in the uneasiness. it's something completely different than what i have with everyone else around me.

if there are people my age (outside of school) with whom i associate, they are likely settling into adulthood. most of them have jobs they won't leave for another ten years, are married, or have kids... or any combination of the above. those outside of my age group -- and this population makes up the majority of my associations -- are typically a good deal older, the youngest probably being about 12 years my senior. i love them but i dont know how to be around them anymore. in fact, i question now if i ever did.

i've always treasured my adult friends. from my choir buddy and partner-in-crime to my baby-sitting moms, they've been there for me when i didn't know how to turn to my family or friends my age. nothing major but always appreciated. they gave me advice, showed me support, made me laugh. they made me want to be something better than i was but were never mean or degrading about it. they were patient, loving, kind. looking back on it, i know im where i am now because of their loving support and guidance. but looking back on it now, i also see where our relationships weren't always what i imagined them to be.

for the past few years ive "worked on myself", attempting always to root myself in Christ and show the world His love. to me, this meant the charm and quick wit of the tall blonde from the midwest. it meant the accepting smile and dry humor of the brunette who told me stories of her time in chicago. it meant the self-respect, the love, and the smarts of the one in between. all of this time i have thought long and hard about why i love these people so much. i always knew what traits i loved about them and wished to emulate those things myself but it wasn't until recently (maybe a few months ago) that i really understood that the common trait in each of them was self-awareness. they had all grown up into themselves.

duh, laura. they're older than you.

but really, before i didnt really understand what it meant to come into yourself. now that i understand, im itching to do it. and i just dont feel like i have the room to do it here. im scared to "spread my wings and fly". every time i turn around i see this face or that face and i cant help but focus on my past. i cant help but to recoil into that little girl everyone knows. i dont feel confident in being 21 and becoming a woman.

and now that i say that, i've been reminded of something else. i don't feel comfortable exploring myself as a female in these surroundings. dont be scandalized; i'm not being gross. here's what i mean: since.. well i dont know when exactly, i guess when i got fat in middle school... i've been a bit of a tomboy. i went through phases of wearing makeup and not wearing makeup, doing my hair with irons and ribbons and not touching my hair at all. through it all, though, ive been a jeans and tshirt girl. in fact, im pretty sure my closet still resembles that of doug funnie. jeans, chucks (chuck taylors), and a tshirt -- usually long sleeved in either black, brown or grey -- has been my wardrobe for over five years now. yes, (almost) my complete wardrobe. to this day i still have trouble finding clothes to go out in. i just dont have girly things. and i dont feel comfortable buying girly things because im scared to be awkward in front of these people i know and whose opinions matter to me. im scared to be 12 in my 21 yr old body. and speaking of 12, my sister is 12 now and is more girly than me. she dances, never stops messing with her hair, and has everything girly. she's nothing like me and i envy that. im jealous of her rhinestone-studded shoes, jean skirts, and girly shirts. i wish i could pull off a cute headband or funky sneakers with a mini. and maybe i can. but im nervous to try it... at least im nervous to try it here.

i wanna break out of this place, even as expansive as it is. i want to be in denver, chicago, miami (someone help me name a third cool city...) trying on clothes, experimenting with makeup, and getting to know myself.

i want to wake up every day happy to be in a new place... or even scared. i want to study my maps and discover all the cute and fun and interesting places in a city that isn't dallas. i want to know and love myself and not feel confined.

on memorial day i received whats called a "first blessing" from fr francis mary, cfr. it was beautiful and perfect and just what i needed. in that blessing came a great peace and of that blessing came a great anxiety. thankfully, that anxiety is a healthy one. its a desire to grow, know, love. its a desire i pray never dies.

pray for me friends, if you are able, that i find a way to grow and know and love, even in this place of (perhaps perceived) confinement. i wish not to waste a single moment. and thanks for reading. i just needed to get that off my chest.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Why blog?

It's funny how I tend to blog only when God moments happen or when I'm having a hard time. I guess it's not funny... more like telling. Anyway, things are well and I'm having a good time in life, bumps and jerks and potholes included. Life is never perfect but I sure do have a lot of good things going for me! Here're some things to celebrate:

1. Maymester is almost over and I'm currently sitting at an A. This has got to be a miracle.

2. I'm moving into a house four times the size of my apartment in exactly one week.

3. I'm moving into said house with someone I love to death for all of her chill tendencies that balance out my insane ones.

4. I auditioned this morning for a choir at church I have wanted (sometimes secretly) to be a part of for years now and was accepted.

5. I was told that I wouldn't have to wait 'til August to start rehearsals with above-mentioned choir. I get to start *this week*.

And that's just to name a few. There are plenty of challenges to overcome -- hurdles I'll need to leap over, hoops through which I will need to jump -- but I am happy to do it. How greatly God has blessed me and how grateful I am for all of His love.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

2 am

it's 2am and i can't sleep. my body hurts. my brain hurts. and now i'm having small painful spasms in my back. why do we have nights like these? what do they teach us? anything?

i hope so. i'd hate to think these nights just happen...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Tonight was class number two of a three-week course, referred to as a "Maymester" course (for obvious reasons). My professor for this course is awesome. He's logical, intelligent and humorous. He lectures for three straight hours but it hasn't felt that way. And though it is probably due to experience, he never looks as though he's been speaking for that long. (He doesn't even drink water, something my professors for an hour and a half at a time would do.) He's politically correct and then... not. He always makes sure to let us know that his opinions are just that and that his expressions are not meant to intentionally exclude any student of his classroom. He tells us what he thinks and, regardless of our arguments against him, we can all laugh and enjoy listening because he knows how to present his ideas well. He's engaging. I just love professors who not only know their audience, but play to it.

The Prof is also a strict man. He doesn't take any crap from his students and he's quick to call out a stupid remark. He doesn't call you stupid, but he sure makes the kid look stupid! And really, it's their own fault. If they had practiced some common sense, they wouldn't have raised their hand to ask the question in the first place. I'm not condoning the intentional embarrassment of a student (or anyone, for that matter) when not absolutely necessary and constructive, but I am saying that he's not being a complete jerk. He expects a lot from his students, as he should. Somehow, even calling people out, no one gets upset. Both classes have started out with at least three ridiculous questions followed by his witty and cutting remarks... which inevitably get a roar of laughter from the class.

Anyway, the whole point of writing any of this was to say that I love him not only for his witty and winning remarks, thoughts, and opinions, but for his commitment to talk about God in the classroom. Each night he has either named God specifically or referred to him (undoubtedly) at least six times. That's twice an hour. And tonight, he referred to "the bishop of Rome, otherwise known as the Pope".

Now, I'm not a huge fan of people who get all stupid (read: childishly giddy and ridiculous) whenever something Catholic is mentioned or referenced, but I was glad to know that he was not only well-informed, but willing to share his knowledge unreservedly with his college students. Many professors will avoid doing such (or will find a creative way of saying things without actually saying things) for fear of rustling feathers. Not this guy. He doesn't care. And I love it.

Yes, Maymester (as of tonight, day two) is going well. I'm still tired and feeling less than chipper but I trust things will *feel* better when the time is right. God's will be done.

Friday, May 09, 2008

The Duggars are preggers again!

Yep, the Duggars are expecting child number eighteen on New Year's Day 2009! Check out the story at Yahoo... and I'm sure every other place imaginable!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

prayer appreciated

i'm having a rough time. forget that i have a warm place to sleep and food to eat, or that i've been blessed with a new computer, or that i just finished my first semester back at school. forget that i lost my job and was blessed with a new one. forget that i might -- maybe, if God wills it -- have a new house to move into.

i'm having a rough time. plain and simple.

i don't have reason to have a rough time, really. my friends are all coming home for summer (except for one who's moving to maryland in just a few weeks). they're calling and texting and messaging on facebook to arrange get-togethers. i'm about to start maymester (government) and go to school five days a week. i like school. i should be happier.

but i'm not.

and i need prayers. as i always do. and if you can offer them, i promise to never be ungrateful for your act of kindness.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Updates forthcoming?

It seems as though I'll have my very own computer soon so maybe (I'm really stressing maybe) I will be able to get back to posting. My schedule is pretty full with work (30-50 hrs a week, depending), school (Maymester and Summer I for sure), and other various activities. Not to mention that my new roommate and I are scheduled to move into our new home mid-June (while we both work and go to school five days a week! lol), pending approval of our application.

If you are feeling generous and would pray for us, I'd appreciate it! This house is *perfect* for us. God's will be done!

My sister has recently been diagnosed with ADD. Please pray this diagnosis will be helpful in planning for the future! I will be tested for this and some other things soon, so you can lump me in there too! My brother was also tested for a number of things but I'm not sure of his results. I will update when I know more.

Here's hoping each of you is well.

(BTW, it was First Friday today! Sorry I didn't post a reminder.)