Think About It

Brender said this over at Happy Catholic:

I am usually the "glass half empty" kind of guy but you don't even have a glass.

Not at all. Its just that I don't like the glass that modern society uses. Give me the right glass, and I'll fill it past overflowing.

"Forget ever thinking of being happy in a relationship with a man. They will just leave you for a newer one when they are done with you."

If it is merely a "relationship," ABSOLUTELY in 99.99 percent of the cases, it will end and he or she will leave. And that is almost certainly the case when both persons are in college. At my college of several thousand, I know of only one couple that married while still in school (and they were quasi-Evangelicals, not agnostic-secularists like everyone else), and none married the people they were dating while in school. People today simply do not get married while in college. Consequently, although there may be a rare exception, college relationships are almost certainly going to end.

The problem is when you have a disparity of understanding and expectations. Both parties need to agree on the parameters of the situation at the very beginning and throughout. Both need to realize going into it that it is either (a) a relationship of temporary companionship and superficial enjoyment or (b) a relationship of potential marriage and authentic love. Both need to be on the same track. The problem is one is superficial and the other is serious. If one is on the fun track and the other is on the potential marriage track, disaster is certain to happen.

Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with a relationship of fun and diversion, so long as it is mutual and not exploitive (including, among other things, sex). I've seen older people "date" and go out and spend time with each other without getting at all serious. And I get the feeling that, in the past (50s and 60s), people could go out and date, meeting and testing the potential for a possible mate, without getting serious (and certainly without getting sexual). Today, not so much. Today, all too often, one person recognizes it as a merely for fun/diversion/companionship, with or without sex (which is by its very nature exploitive when extra-marital), while the other person is, or thinks they are, "in love," and wants to continue to be with that person forever, even if they really don't like anything about the other and believe that they can "change" him or her.

Give me -- give society -- the right glass, so that we can fill it all the way. Give us a glass of honesty and sincerity. Either both understand throughout that it is merely temporary, so that when it inevitably ends it is not devastating to one or the other; or both understand throughout that marriage is a possibility and when they say "I love you," they actually and sincerely mean it.

And I say, "Bravo!" to Brender for most of that post. I would most certainly disagree with the lack of marriages coming out of college simply because most of my 'adult' friends were married out of college or are about to be BETROTHED while one or both are still in college. Are these a few rare cases? I don't think so. Perhaps... but I don't think so.

I agree though that all too often in society today people view (dating) relationships as being something fun to do and nothing more. They want to have a 'special someone' but they don't want to even think about the possibility of marriage. They just want the tag for looks or feel without any kind of commitment or maturity that it takes to actually have a (dating) relationship.

I believe that this trend is all too greatly aided by the parents of these children. Certainly many children will learn that dating relationships are for experimentation and "just for fun" from friends but if they aren't getting the proper lessons at home, who really expects them to know better? We must teach them from a young age the importance of friendships and the beauty of dating when they are emotionally, spiritually, and physically ready.

One thing that was mentioned recently by a friend was the 'age restrictions'. (Just to let y'all know, my age restriction is 35...) How often do parents tell their kids while they're growing up that they 'can start dating when [they] turn 16'? It's all they hear until that birthday and when it comes... what? Are they supposed to date? Are they just 'allowed' to date? Are they expected to date now that the restriction has been lifted? What? What do these parents expect to happen?

Children need to know that it is not necessary (and certainly not expected) that they date from a young age! Think back to when you were 16... were you emotionally, spiritually, and physically ready for a potential marriage? Perhaps you were physically ready (this of course comes before the others) but I would dare say no one was emotionally or spiritually ready. So why do we push them out there into that 'scene'? Why do we make it seem as though they need to start finding someone, especially if we do not expect them to find someone permanent? Are we seeking thrills for them? Are we trying to provide for them the fun times we had? Were those times really all that fun? Are those times necessary? Certainly not!

In all relationships there come times when you have to 'take it to the next level' (and I certainly do NOT mean physically). Relationships are meant to progress. You start with friendship and, ideally, head in one of two directions: 1)marriage or 2)life-long friendship. Of course marriage is also a life-long 'friendship' but it's so much deeper than any other friendship could ever be. When we throw kids into dating at 14, 15 and 16 we are setting them up for failure. They will generally not be ready to progress very far in formal relationships. This means dramatic and 'heart-breaking' splits. That, of course, will not preceed some kind of awkwardness which in some (I dare say many) cases leads to physical exploration. What else is there to do but mess around? Well... lots! But they don't know that for a number of reasons. Are they totally to blame? No. I think most fault lies with those who are encouraging, or condoning, such relationships at their age.

It's just not appropriate.

When you ask the majority of high school students that are in relationships if they are thinking about marriage, what do you think they say?

"No way! I'm too young!"

Hmmm... I think they're on to something! .. Hah.