The Passion of Christ

Good Friday Mass - my favorite. I must admit, though, that tonight was more bitter sweet than usual.

My dog, Bessie, died today.

Unlike the death of Christ, we did not know how soon she would die. Unlike the resurrection of Christ, we know she will not rise. Unlike the eternity of Christ, we know she is gone forever. There is no heaven or hell for her - only death. She had no soul, no spirit, no hope for a life to come. She may have died alone... and that's all there was.

Puffy-eyed and tired I sit here and reflect on the day's events. I've lost my dog, my best friend, my little girl. I've lost my Savior. I've lost a piece of myself. I know the end to both love stories. Unfortunately, one has a much happier ending than the other.

I should be rejoicing at the fact that the one, the more important, is joyful.. but I cannot.

I feel ashamed in worrying so much about my dog on such an important day in the Triduum. Something in me still says it's okay. It is a constant battle between these things. I feel for Bessie more in that she has no soul that will live on for all eternity. She will not bask forever in the warmth of the love of God. She probably felt little comfort in hope when she was passing. She was probably alone and stayed that way.

It makes me think of Christ some. How alone He must have been on that cross. Even surrounded by people, how abandoned did He feel?

He asked His Father to take "this cup" from Him, not to save Himself, but to save his betrayer, Judas. Even in such a painfully dark time He was thinking of others. Why can my focus not be on this? Why must my focus be constantly reverted back to my dog?

I thought a lot tonight about the souls in purgatory, those in Hell, those here on earth who have fallen away and may not return. How lonely they must feel! If anything good came of Bessie's death it was my more profound recognition of the emptiness that is present without the love of God. How empty Bessie must have been! I am so sorry for those souls that are still so alone because they have refused to accept the love of God. I could not wish that pain for any person.

My thoughts are barely coherent, even to myself. I have attempted to collect them but this is to the best of my ability at this time. If any of you at any time in the near future can spare some prayers, I know my family would greatly appreciate them. We are all grieving in our own ways. I must say the most troubling is my young brother, the baby of the family. At the tender age of 8 he has already formed a tough shell. Staying strong for his two sisters, I never saw him shed a tear but did see him fighting them back (obviously with great success). He is definitely a worrier and I know this has affected him just as much as it has my sister and me. My sister was very vocal in her mourning and seems, at least on the outside, to be taking this the hardest. Me? Well, I've done this before (three times this year even) and I can do it again. Mostly I ask that you pray for my siblings. I know they could use all the comfort they can get right now.