Obsession

After reviewing my pay stub from work for this past week, a week in which I accumulated fifty-three on-the-clock hours, I realized that I work way too much. What's disturbing is that saying it in my head (and then again out loud just moments later), I didn't seem to care. It didn't bother me to say it. It was all very matter-of-fact. What is wrong with me?

I suppose it's not really a bad thing. I enjoy my work. When I think of what I do every day, I feel a sense of pride well up inside of me. I don't have a business card or private office, but I serve well, I think. I do my job and then some. I take on 'a lot' of responsibility outside of what is expected of me. Those are all good things, right? Those are the qualities employers love. So why are they so horrible for ME?

Because I take absolutely no pride in those things. They don't bum me out but they definitely don't satisfy me. Sometimes I wish I could just say no. I wish I could just take the easy road and not do as much as I do. Sometimes I want to know what it's like to not be so very busy all day long. I want to work like people I know.. those people that aren't me. But it's not in my nature to leave things undone. It's not in my nature to only do the minimum. (Some may disagree but I can tell you quite plainly that I honestly can't.)

Sometimes I think it's slightly obsessive the way I clean or file or log. I get into 'the zone' and when I catch the clock in the corner of my eye, three hours have passed. And I guess what really bothers me is not that I work so hard all the time (and find myself unable to do anything less) but rather that I obsess about these things. Why these things? Why work?

I'm always looking to learn at work but in faith.. in faith, what am I doing? How am I growing? How hard am I working to deepen my understanding? Do I seek out God in my life like I seek out things in my job? Why are my priorities so backwards?

I'm not saying I don't go to Mass each day or pray my Liturgy of the Hours. (Though, I will admit right now that I missed several weeks of LotH when my schedule picked up. Shameful, I know.) I pray before meals and always ask God to bless those I love. But is this really stretching me? Is this really the commitment that God deserves?

We are called, each day, to know, love, and serve our God. If we do not take the time each day to do these things, what are we doing? Where are we going? What is our job good for if we do not first strengthen ourselves in faith? We are not here on this earth to earn money. When we die, our money stays here. What matters when we die is our soul. What matters NOW is our soul.

You see, sanctification is not a last-minute thought. It's not something you strive for as you draw your dying breath. Sanctification, what the Good Lord wants for each of us, is a life-long journey. It's growth every day, in every hour. We are called to pray and to learn and to serve ALWAYS.

So why is it that my job seems to trump everything else? If my one focus on earth is to reach Heaven, to praise God for all eternity, why do I not commit more time to knowing him, to purifying my soul, to receiving His Sacred Body and Blood?

I spent thirteen hours at work last week that I was not scheduled to work. I was late to babysitting twice because I 'needed' to stay 'for just a few more minutes'. (Once I actually did! Can't really just walk out of interviews! .. Okay, enough excuses.) What would happen, how different would I be, if I was late because I needed just a few more minutes in front of the Blessed Sacrament? What would happen, how would I be different, if I spent even just one extra hour in prayer each week? How would my life change? How would my soul benefit?

This week I commit myself to more time with the LORD. God love our customers, they're great, but this week needs to be for me. I need to be sustained by Christ. If I neglect my soul -- if I neglect my spiritual life -- the rest of my life will also suffer. But if I take out just those few extra minutes each day (and more as time passes), I know that my life will greatly improve.

+Lord, bless my efforts and look with mercy on my failings. You are my Lord. I love you before and above all things. Help me to seek you always and make you my one and all until, I pray, I am with you in Heaven. Amen.